Chris Kendall

It starts off pretty normal, I’m in a plane crash as it rattles towards earth. Theres beeping and screaming, smoke coming from some place or other, luggage everywhere. Thing is, as i start to look around i notice it isnt people in this plane of death but infact a wide assortment of cakes and confectionary.

 
To the left of me is a delicious looking blamonge warbling wildly due to it’s current predicement. To the right of me and further down is a wedding cake and its partner a victoria sponge. I feel a pang of pitty for this bright young couple as i watch them holding each other, or rather i think they were holding each other, they were kinda just smooshed together. two small scones are nestled between them, i envy the naievity of the young scones. Unaware of the end that awaits them.

It’s now that a feel a tap on my shoulder, I look round finding myself face to face with a spotted dick. A single tear falls down its cheek as it meekly asks me,“Please, please for the love of god, don’t let us all die like this. Eat me, eat me and my wife so that the last thing we remember is the giving of pleasure, and not this terrible fate. Please have mercy sir! Eat us” I look around and see that the rest of the passengers share the Dicks request.

A young crème caramel hands me a plastic spoon, I stare into its glistening eyes as I watch him shake with fear. The plane rattles on and fires start to dwarf some of the seats. I find myself not having the heart to tell the passengers. But as i look around at the endless sea of pleading eyes i confess. “I’m afraid i can’t” i admit reluctantly “i’m on a diet.”

When people claim they know exactly how to deal with a zombie apocalypse, they say they have every possible route planned and their weapon of choice already selected, i can’t help but imagine…

…the horror which would wash over their face as they watch their beloved mother burst in through the door, stomach acid tumbling out of the open wound in her neck, her dress ripped and her grey skin covered in the bloody claw marks of the frantic father that tried to subdue her. Clumps of his hair caught between her teeth, his head caved in as he lies lifeless across the Linoleum floor.

And as they start to weep and deny all that is happening, paralysed with fear, i want to be the one standing over their shaking terrified body.

”But i thought you said you were taking a baseball bat to a well protected supermarket?”